Breakup
Breakup
A breakup is the end of a committed romantic relationship between
dating partners. Though divorce,
the legal separation of a married couple, is a type of breakup, the term
breakup is most often used to refer to the end of a relationship between
unmarried people. A mental health professional might
be a helpful source of support when working through a difficult breakup.
Couples involved in romantic relationships often make commitments to one another such as moving in together, regularly spending a certain amount of time with each other, and agreeing to not see other people. A breakup will often occur when at least one member of the couple no longer wishes to honor these commitments.
A couple might mutually agree to end the relationship, but sometimes only one partner wishes to end the relationship. This can be upsetting and hurtful when the other partner does not want the relationship to end. Sometimes one partner may signify the end of a relationship by ending contact with the other person and disappearing. This breakup method may be particularly traumatic and stressful, as it leaves the relationship status uncertain and the other partner without closure.
A breakup may be considered to be positive or negative, depending on how the people involved felt about the relationship. One or both partners might regret the end of the relationship but still feel as though its end was for the best, and this knowledge which may still cause emotional upset, even if the relationship was troubled. The end of a relationship may also be met with unconcern or
ambivalence. Typically, casual relationships are easier to end and move on from than long-term, serious relationships.
A breakup might occur for many reasons. In some cases, it is clear that a relationship is not working out: Signs of a troubled relationship might include physical or emotional abuse, a partner's affair, or just general discontent. Other times, it can be difficult to decide whether to end a relationship or not. A relationship may be fun and temporarily fulfilling, but if it does not seem likely to last, and one or both partners desire a long-term relationship and the possibility of cohabitation, marriage, or children, it may be beneficial to move on. It can be difficult, though, to end a relationship in which nothing is actually wrong.
People in a relationship might also end it after realizing that they have different goals or values. These values may have been different when the relationship began, or they may have changed over the course of the relationship as the two people grew, both individually and as a couple. Sometimes one partner may discover feelings for someone else or simply lose interest in and attraction to the other person; it can be hard to be honest with a dating partner about these situations for fear of hurting that person.
Sometimes two people are simply incompatible with each other, even though they may have feelings for each other and enjoy doing certain activities together. When a relationship fails to thrive and the people in the relationship feel unhappy or uneasy about spending time together more often than they feel excited or enjoy the time they spend together, they may decide that breaking up is best for both of them.
The act of emotionally withdrawing from a relationship when one is ready to move on may appear to be easier than initiating an often painful conversation about breaking up. However, because this strategy may lead to more confusion and pain in the long run, discussing the breakup sooner rather than later may be the best course of action. Before beginning the conversation, it can help to carefully consider the reasons that a breakup may be for the best so that these reasons can be stated clearly and honestly to the other person. The possibility that the other person might react negatively may be another reason one delays the initiation of a breakup. In this case, preparing for potential negative reactions may be helpful and may also help one have more sensitivity.
A study published in Social Psychological & Personality Science found that discussing a breakup and considering the reasons why it might have happened is often helpful: Reflection may help regain a sense of self, which may make it easier to move on. Relationships are a significant part of life, and it is generally necessary to acknowledge their importance and the pain and sadness that accompanies their loss in order to move on. Focusing on self-care after a breakup may be helpful and ease the recovery process: eating well, getting sufficient sleep, staying active, avoiding potentially harmful behaviors such as excessive drinking or drug use, and accepting support and care from family and friends are all likely to benefit healing and improve one's outlook.
Although a breakup can lead to feelings of inadequacy or guilt, it can also be helpful to instead consider personal growth and the things learned, positive or negative, from the time spent in the relationship. If a relationship did not work out, it may be helpful to know why, so that this knowledge can be applied to future relationships. Even a painful breakup can lead to positive growth. A period of loneliness that stems from a breakup can be a time of growth and discovery. Priorities, values, and life goals all may have changed, and new interests may have developed. It may be difficult to enjoy an activity that was shared with an ex-partner, but it may also be helpful to accept that interests can still be shared, though the relationship is over, and this knowledge may also be helpful in the recovery process.
A breakup can be painful, and the emotional weight of a breakup may be determined by a number of factors, such as:
· The length of the relationship.
· The plans each member of the couple had for the future.
· The degree of commitment within the relationship.
· How happy the relationship was prior to the breakup.
· Whether one of the partners would prefer to stay in the relationship.
· Whether the relationship ended with infidelity, abuse, or other painful issues.
People sometimes refer to themselves as broken-hearted when going through a breakup, and the process of grieving a relationship is very similar to grieving other losses. The amount of time it takes to get over a breakup can vary greatly; when a short-term relationship ends, a person might feel fine after only a few days, but when a long-term relationship ends, it can take months or years to fully grieve. Because more couples are cohabitating on a long-term basis, a breakup may often be very similar to a divorce and involve significant emotional turmoil due to the end of shared friendships, division of shared belongings, and occasionally, custody issues.
Sometimes couples break up and get back together, break up but still have sex, or remain in contact as friends for some period of time after the breakup. However, research suggests that, even though some people may consider making up to be a good thing, that couples who are "on-again, off-again" are often less satisfied in their relationships.
Breakups are a common cause of situational depression, and some people are so distraught by their breakups that they become suicidal. Therapists and other mental health professionals frequently help people work through unresolved feelings they may have after a breakup.
Experiencing a breakup can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression, especially if the relationship that ends was a serious one. No matter the situation, at the end of a relationship, a person might be sad, angry, confused, or otherwise emotionally affected. This inner turmoil may even be felt by the partner who wanted or initiated the breakup.
When a breakup causes overwhelming feelings that are difficult to cope with, interfere with the ability to complete daily activities, or influence the reevaluation of one's life path, a therapist or counselor can often be a supportive, helpful part of the healing process, particularly when conditions such as depression, low self-esteem, grief, or posttraumatic stress develop following a breakup.
In therapy, a person can discuss any emotions or difficulties experienced and explore ways to cope with negative feelings. A therapist can help address any guilt or self-blame that may be experienced and help a person come to terms with the end of the relationship. Should a person feel suicidal or depressed after a breakup, a therapist can also help treat these conditions.
Dealing with Depression After a Breakup
Effects of a breakup
Breakups are never easy. The end of a relationship can flip your world upside down and trigger a range of emotions. Some people quickly accept the demise of a relationship and move on, but others may deal with depression.
This can be a heartbreaking time, and it can feel as if your world is falling apart. But while sadness and a heightened emotional state are normal reactions after a breakup, it’s important to recognize the symptoms of depression.
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Healthy vs. unhealthy symptoms of a breakup
Since symptoms of depression can range from mild to severe, it’s often difficult to know whether sadness and grief are a normal reaction to a breakup or a sign of something more serious like depression.
It’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship as you begin the healing process. But this doesn’t suggest that every emotion you feel is a normal reaction. There are healthy and unhealthy symptoms of a breakup. Knowing the differences between these symptoms can help you determine whether you’re experiencing depression.
Healthy symptoms of a breakup may include:
- anger and frustration
- crying and sadness
- fear
- insomnia
- loss of interest in activities
These symptoms are troublesome. But if you’re experiencing a normal reaction to the breakup, your emotional state will improve little by little as you adjust to life without your partner. The amount of time it takes to heal varies for each person, so be patient.
While it’s normal to feel sadness and pain after a breakup, you should talk to a doctor if your symptoms don’t start to improve after a few weeks, or if they get worse. To be diagnosed with depression, you must experience at least five of the following nine symptoms for a period of at least two weeks:
- feeling sad, empty, or hopeless for most of the day nearly every day
- loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- weight loss and loss of appetite, or increase of appetite and weight gain
- sleeping either too little or too much
- an increase in movements like pacing or hand wringing, or having significantly slower speech and movement
- feeling as if you have no energy for most of the day
- feeling worthless
- difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- thoughts about death, also called suicidal ideation
Depression can happen to anyone after a breakup, but some people are at greater risk. The cause of depression varies, but you may experience these feelings if you have a personal history of depression or another mood disorder. Other factors that may contribute to depression after a breakup include hormonal changes or simultaneously enduring another major change in your life, such as a job loss or the loss of a loved one.
What happens if depression goes untreated?
Recognizing signs of depression after a breakup and getting help for this condition can lower the risk of complications. If left untreated, you may rely on alcohol or drugs to numb emotional pain. Depression also takes a toll on your physical health. You may experience joint pain, headaches, and unexplained stomach pain. Additionally, chronic stress can weaken your immune system and make you more susceptible to infections and illnesses. Emotional eating can cause excessive weight gain and increase your risk for heart disease and diabetes
Other complications of depression may include:
- panic attacks
- problems at home, work, or school
- suicidal thoughts
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See a doctor if your symptoms don’t start to improve in two to three weeks.
Based on your symptoms, your doctor may prescribe an antidepressant to help you cope with your emotions. These include:
- selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, such as fluoxetine (Prozac) and paroxetine (Paxil)
- serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, such as duloxetine (Cymbalta) and venlafaxine (Effexor XR)
- tricyclic antidepressants, such as imipramine (Tofranil) and nortriptyline (Pamelor)
- monoamine oxidase inhibitors, such as tranylcypromine (Parnate) and phenelzine (Nardil)
Make sure you understand the risks of taking antidepressants. Some medications can cause sexual side effects, increased appetite, insomnia, and weight gain.
Talk to your doctor if your symptoms don’t improve or worsen, or if you have severe side effects. Your doctor can adjust your dosage or recommend a different medication. Depending on the severity of depression after a breakup, your doctor may recommend counseling or psychotherapy to help you cope with your feelings, especially if you’ve had suicidal thoughts.
Ways to cope with depression that don’t involve professional help include:
Exercise: Physical activity can strengthen your immune system and boost your energy. Exercise also increases your body’s production of endorphins, which can improve your mood. Aim for 30 minutes of physical activity at least three times a week.
Keep busy: Explore hobbies and keep your mind occupied. If you’re feeling depressed, read a book, go for a walk, or start a project around the house.
Get plenty of sleep: Getting plenty of rest can also improve your mental well-being and help you cope after a breakup.
Herbal and natural remedies: If you don’t want to take a prescription medication, ask your doctor about supplements used for depression, such as St. John’s wort, S-adenosylmethionine or SAMe, and omega-3 fatty acids in the form of fish oil. Some supplements can’t be combined with prescription medication, so consult your doctor beforehand. You can also explore alternative therapies for depression, such as acupuncture, massage therapy, and meditation.
Getting support after a breakup
Getting through a breakup is easier when you receive support from family and friends. You don’t have to go through this alone, so surround yourself with positive people who encourage you. If you’re feeling lonely or scared, call a loved one and make social plans.
Avoid negative people who may judge or criticize you. This can worsen depression and make it harder for you to heal after a breakup.
You can also fight loneliness and depression after a breakup by cultivating new friendships and reconnecting with old friends. Get together with a few co-workers for lunch or dinner, or get involved in your community to meet new people. Join a club, take a class, or volunteer in your spare time.
Even if your depression isn’t severe enough for psychotherapy, it may be helpful to join a support group. Look for breakup and divorce support groups near your home, or choose a support group for mental illness and depression. You’ll meet people who’ve gone through the same experience, plus learn techniques to cope with your emotions.
What is the outlook for depression after a breakup?
Despite the rollercoaster ride of a breakup, it’s possible to heal and overcome mental anguish. The outlook is positive with treatment, but it’s important that you don’t ignore prolonged negative feelings and sadness. The healing process varies for each person. But with the help of friends, family, and maybe a doctor, you can overcome depression and move on after a relationship ends.
If you think someone is at immediate risk of self-harm or hurting another person:
- Call your local emergency number.
- Stay with the person until help arrives.
- Remove any guns, knives, medications, or other things that may cause harm.
- Listen, but don’t judge, argue, threaten, or yell.
If you think someone is considering suicide, get help from a crisis or suicide prevention hotline. Try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
Sources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration